May 20 2005
to have kids
 |
Currently Playing I Megaphone By Imogen Heap Hide and Seek see related |
I’m ready, I hear the pitter patter sound of little feet in the future…..(thanks spaz)
Ok, in ten years, but still, kids. This is Ethan, Pastor Mike’s kid. I will teach this kid all about Dali, Modigliani, Steinback, James Agee, John Mitchell, and the value of a good foreign movie.
Me being a mom, scary thought, but my biological clock is mad racing. I know why I want to have kids. I want somebody to love, somebody to take care of, somebody to completely trust you. Which is all the wrong reasons, but sometimes when a baby looks at you with all the innocence in the world, its amazing. “no other love in the world can touch that” someone told me once about children.
So why all the thoughts? Well, I never thought I’d be graduating college and moving on with a new life.
LIfe is so random somtimes. I’m leaving everything and everyone I know for another country, another life. Which is scary enough, but I don’t even have a real plan. Of course its exciting, but at the same, its…..scary. I’m ready, but I don’t know how ready I am. There won’t be anybody to run to once I go there if I get into trouble. There won’t be anybody around for me to “just talk to”
So why am I doing it then? I need to…..move on? Run away? Leave? Sometimes things don’t even make sense to me, but often times I do it anyways, hoping that one day it was the right thing to do. I know I need to be by myself for a while. Sometimes being at your lowest is the best way to find yourself.
And thats my ultimate hope. To come back (one day), changed, different, but yet still me. Maturity comes to mind. One day I’ll quit fucking up, one day I’ll quit being clueless, one day I’ll get it right….
Than maybe I can be truly happy
