Apr 19 2004
tiring weekend
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Currently Playing Final Straw By Snow Patrol see related |
Mood: 
Exhuasting weekend…..filled with snow, games, long choir practices,…and prayer
Oh don’t worry I had fun, just tiring. I went to Camp Cedar Falls for a church retreat. Nature decided to dump two feet of snow on us, so a snowball fight naturally ensued. We all exerted ourselves heartily, then more choir practice. We had a performance there, which was interesting. The age of most of the kids there were about……15. So while feeling old, we managed to enjoy ourselves in the snow.
My brother finally came back. (yay). He got me some very good vodka (good job), a russian shawl, and a audioslave cd, interestingly enough. The cd also came with a warning that the cd was made from cleared poulty and/or other meat products, so I shouldn’t leave it on the counter. 
I finally talkd to Tim this weekend. I realized I aged 5 years from last year to this year. Since when did I become so old and responsible? This whole thing is a bit disturbing, but yet at the same, everyone around me is breathing a sigh of relief. It seems strange not to be the oddball, the one that everyone is embarrassed of, the one that everyone thinks need fixing. My exisitence is starting to look frighteningly normal, and I’m not sure if I want to continue on this road yet. I’m still the same sadistic, sarcastic, contraditing, neurotic, and off the wall, yet at the same time I’m not. I still cling to my old ways, my old thoughts, my old feelings, yet something is slowly pushing them out, one by one. They all seem to fall out, and being “normal”, something I would have campaigned against just a year ago, is something I’m slowly accepting.
However, I do know one thing. This whole “new” me is a change, and for once, it feels good just sitting back and watching the world go by, instead of me whipping myself into a frenzy, attempting to be a huge part of it. I don’t know if this is maturity, but yea……it feels good.
I sometimes fear going back to whatever I was before, as if it almost seems inevitable for me to yo-yo back and forth. It almost feels like I’m destined to do it, I’m fighting against the current. I’m walking on a string, trying not to fall, trying not to die.
I’m still trying to pray…….
